Day 10

I cannot believe its day ten of the sugar cleanse. Seriously, I have gone ten days. WOW.
I have way exceeded my expectations of myself. lol

I also found a counselor finally, that fits me, and I think it will work out well.
Hope everyone is well, I am doing OK. The no sugar thing is helping, I am sleeping better, feeling better, all around, I am really pleased with the results so far. I have been a less sad, on a daily basis, only broken down a couple of times in the last week, that's an improvement, but I don't know any reasons why I break down, or why I don't , when I don't if that makes sense, so the counseling, I hope will teach me coping mechanisms etc. etc. As well as give me a place to let it all out and explore things.

Stacy vs Sugar ..... Day 3

In my researching of mood disorders, stress and anxiety, I kept running into one huge theme, that wasn't entirely surprising. A diet high in refined sugars, is found to make symptoms worse, a lot worse apparently. So me the biggest sugar addict of them all, is making the ultimate sacrifice :). I have given up sugar. Let me be clear b/c ppl seem to get confused on this, I am eating natural sugars, from fruit and vegs, but no refined white sugar, in any shape or form , under any name (and it hides behind a few ;)).
Things I have learned in a few short days:

1. I don't get tired or feel gross, if I don't eat sugar.
2. Sugar Hides in EVERYTHING, my supposedly healthy whole grain bread is a great example of this. So its not a matter of just avoiding sweets, its much more complicated than that.
3. Fruit really ISSSS better tasting then chocolate.

Let me repeat .. b/c I can't believe I said it. FRUIT IS BETTER THAN CHOCOLATE. seriously, ever eat a fresh rasberries and not been happy afterwards?? nope didn't think so. ;)

4. I am addicted to the stuff, and I am not alone.
5. I am capable of giving the crap up, if it means I will be happier, live longer and set a good example for my daughter.

Wish me luck!

Grandma

First, don't expect regular posts, I have replaced my online time with work out time for right now. Hence the reason I have been home for 4 days and just got to posting these.

But I did want to share some pics of my visit to my moms. The ones with Wave and my Grandma really warm my heart, my grandma is in her 80's, she still lives on her own, and her apartment, is filled with memories for me. The furniture that I am sure is over 50 yrs old is timeless to me.
I grew up in St Thomas on a street called parkside drive, my grandma still lives in the area, so when I visited I took a walk to what was basically my back yard when I was a kid, Pinafore Park., NO matter where I have lived, no park compares to this one. (although Water Works is close ;)), just going there makes me feel better about things.
I have had a frustrating experience so far looking for a councilor for those curious, ppl aren't returning calls and so far I haven't gotten far.:(, but besides that things are looking up, as I said i have been working out more, getting back to the gym, adding running to my walks with the dog, cooking healthier, playing with W more. Less computer time has been a really great start, but its only been a week, and i KNOW I need to get into to talk to someone, about all thats going on, so I will spend tomorrow chasing councilors down on the phone while Ws in school.
Just wanted to updated. Hope everyone is well, :).

Going Away for awhile

I love the blog and hate to miss days, but as of right now I need to do a lot work on/for me.
Patrick and I have decided it would be best for all involved for me to be with family right now. I will be going home for a few days, as of right now. I have been in contact with a counseling center and am hoping to find a good fit soon but for right now I really need to be with family and friends. Things are not good, and I think it will get worse before it gets better. As for the blog and lms unplugging is whats best for me atm. No websites, no msn, no fbook until I feel I have me under control and feeling better. Just to be clear nothing is wrong in my marriage, hes not sending me to my family, if that is the way that sounds. I am going there when he is working, so I can have extra help with Wave and the support of my family while I work through things. We are in this together, and i couldn't ask for a better partner.

Until i am back, happy blogging. :)

Falling apart

here goes it, this blogging thing is supposed to be therapeutic right?
My shoulder is done. I have no idea why, but I think its all quite possibly made worse by stress.
I can't breath sometimes I need to remember to smile activily remind myself to smile. I am failing here, in everyway that I can. I can't hold it together, I am happy, then sad, then happy, I want another baby so badly it hurts, then i think , having one has its pluses.
I called to set up on appt for councling, then thought, how weak am I , I need to get help b/.c I can't get pregnant, look at my daughter, how much luckier do I need to be.
I can't face my husband, because I know hes pain, pain that I caused , b/c i couldn't just wait the month or two until I met him to get pregnant. I know, I know I had no control over that, and out of that I got Waverly, so again, how blessed am I. And why can't I just be thankful for it.
Now there are rumbling about her benefiting from a more advanced form of schooling something like Montesorri but we can't afford, it b/c i insisted on staying home and now even if I went straight back to work, we have to buy a house and a car and a school like that, added onto all those others things, even with two jobs is out of reach. I wanna run and hide, go to my moms eat her and my grandma's cabbage rolls never to be seen again.
Dishes are in the sink, b/c I can't lift the heavy pot, b/c my shoulder is screwed. My head never stops going in circles with all the ways I am continuously getting it wrong. Wave is so smart, shes so beautiful but I keep looking at her thinking, of all the things she could have if I was better for her, if I had more for her, if I could give her a sister or brother, if I could be happier, smarter, more money, more opportunities, a family.
We moved her here away from everyone and now she gets random calls from her grandma, not the babysitting I enjoyed when I was little and my grandma lived up the street. She has no siblings, she has no relatives near, its just her and I did that.
I can't stop crying sometimes, its getting harder and harder to hold it together. I don't know how to express it anymore, and I can't pinpoint a source besides the fertility issues. I need to see another dr. but I can't , I keep avoiding appts, when I know I shouldn't, I just cant face going abck to dr and getting a final answer on the menopause issues, or the fertility issues (basically one in the same, I am sure you know). I know avoidance will get me no where, I know my life is good , I know I should be happy, I know its silly to sit here and cry, when so many are suffereing and I am SO lucky for all that I have, but this is not going away, no matter how many sarcastic jokes I make to make it seem as though I am OK. Stacy is fine, shes getting by, shes dealing, shes laughing at herself again, and enjoying her daughter, all of that is true, except I am not fine.
I'm not. I don't know when I will be, I don't know if I will be, I don't know what I can do, I don't know if counseling is like an easy button, or if I am just going to spend money and sit and cry while someone else watches.
I don't know. I know sitting on a website with all the new babies and pregnancy announcements makes me nothing but bitter and angry, which in turn makes me basically evil b/c i can't be happy for others right now.
Breath , remember to breath, now go call husband, grab beautiful daughter and get a hug.

The Many Outfits of Waverly

Ok I put my damn shoulder out again, but I don't want to skip the blog. So this is what I did. I went through old pics of some of my fave Wave outfits. From April 06 I believe to March 09'.
There are many more but I figured this was enough for one post, lol.

Daddy Through the Years.

This post is for my husband, who is doubting who is he is to Waverly.

I say if a picture is worth a thousand words these ones are priceless. :) and they always will be.
















My dad has a mug that says "anyone can be a father, it takes someone special to be a dad".

Patrick is a dad. Nothing will ever change that, biology be damned, no one loves her like he does. :)