Going Away for awhile

I love the blog and hate to miss days, but as of right now I need to do a lot work on/for me.
Patrick and I have decided it would be best for all involved for me to be with family right now. I will be going home for a few days, as of right now. I have been in contact with a counseling center and am hoping to find a good fit soon but for right now I really need to be with family and friends. Things are not good, and I think it will get worse before it gets better. As for the blog and lms unplugging is whats best for me atm. No websites, no msn, no fbook until I feel I have me under control and feeling better. Just to be clear nothing is wrong in my marriage, hes not sending me to my family, if that is the way that sounds. I am going there when he is working, so I can have extra help with Wave and the support of my family while I work through things. We are in this together, and i couldn't ask for a better partner.

Until i am back, happy blogging. :)

Falling apart

here goes it, this blogging thing is supposed to be therapeutic right?
My shoulder is done. I have no idea why, but I think its all quite possibly made worse by stress.
I can't breath sometimes I need to remember to smile activily remind myself to smile. I am failing here, in everyway that I can. I can't hold it together, I am happy, then sad, then happy, I want another baby so badly it hurts, then i think , having one has its pluses.
I called to set up on appt for councling, then thought, how weak am I , I need to get help b/.c I can't get pregnant, look at my daughter, how much luckier do I need to be.
I can't face my husband, because I know hes pain, pain that I caused , b/c i couldn't just wait the month or two until I met him to get pregnant. I know, I know I had no control over that, and out of that I got Waverly, so again, how blessed am I. And why can't I just be thankful for it.
Now there are rumbling about her benefiting from a more advanced form of schooling something like Montesorri but we can't afford, it b/c i insisted on staying home and now even if I went straight back to work, we have to buy a house and a car and a school like that, added onto all those others things, even with two jobs is out of reach. I wanna run and hide, go to my moms eat her and my grandma's cabbage rolls never to be seen again.
Dishes are in the sink, b/c I can't lift the heavy pot, b/c my shoulder is screwed. My head never stops going in circles with all the ways I am continuously getting it wrong. Wave is so smart, shes so beautiful but I keep looking at her thinking, of all the things she could have if I was better for her, if I had more for her, if I could give her a sister or brother, if I could be happier, smarter, more money, more opportunities, a family.
We moved her here away from everyone and now she gets random calls from her grandma, not the babysitting I enjoyed when I was little and my grandma lived up the street. She has no siblings, she has no relatives near, its just her and I did that.
I can't stop crying sometimes, its getting harder and harder to hold it together. I don't know how to express it anymore, and I can't pinpoint a source besides the fertility issues. I need to see another dr. but I can't , I keep avoiding appts, when I know I shouldn't, I just cant face going abck to dr and getting a final answer on the menopause issues, or the fertility issues (basically one in the same, I am sure you know). I know avoidance will get me no where, I know my life is good , I know I should be happy, I know its silly to sit here and cry, when so many are suffereing and I am SO lucky for all that I have, but this is not going away, no matter how many sarcastic jokes I make to make it seem as though I am OK. Stacy is fine, shes getting by, shes dealing, shes laughing at herself again, and enjoying her daughter, all of that is true, except I am not fine.
I'm not. I don't know when I will be, I don't know if I will be, I don't know what I can do, I don't know if counseling is like an easy button, or if I am just going to spend money and sit and cry while someone else watches.
I don't know. I know sitting on a website with all the new babies and pregnancy announcements makes me nothing but bitter and angry, which in turn makes me basically evil b/c i can't be happy for others right now.
Breath , remember to breath, now go call husband, grab beautiful daughter and get a hug.

The Many Outfits of Waverly

Ok I put my damn shoulder out again, but I don't want to skip the blog. So this is what I did. I went through old pics of some of my fave Wave outfits. From April 06 I believe to March 09'.
There are many more but I figured this was enough for one post, lol.

Daddy Through the Years.

This post is for my husband, who is doubting who is he is to Waverly.

I say if a picture is worth a thousand words these ones are priceless. :) and they always will be.
















My dad has a mug that says "anyone can be a father, it takes someone special to be a dad".

Patrick is a dad. Nothing will ever change that, biology be damned, no one loves her like he does. :)

I tough situation makes for sticky conversations.

Ok, so Waverly saw a show today that talked about adoption , so she brought up adoption with me.
She is technically adopted by my DH, she is not biologically his, we have been together since before I knew I was pregnant.
This is a touchy topic for us, I mean we just wish it wasn't what is was if that makes sense.
BUT we had decided that we would not hide this from her, that we would make it a natural part of her reality.
So today I rolled with it as best I could, as hard as it was. And now shes talking about adoption and how her daddy loved her SOOOO much he wanted to adopt her, etc etc.

I feel a little sick over it, but I think I am relieved as well, I broke the ice, I laid the foundation for many talks to come. sigh.
this is what we intended to do, hard as it was, hard as its going to be I need to keep telling myself I did the right thing.
*I did the right thing*

The picture has nothing to do with that, its her winking, lol. Shes proud she can wink and I can't.lol

My Idol and My food

I don't love a lot of celebrity chefs, infact, most of them bug the crap outta me, lol. But this man, I ADORE, he cooks like a real person. I don't know about you but I don't stand in front of a cook book following a recipe line for line. The very idea of following a recipe just ticks me off, its like someone is telling me what to do in the kitchen, BAH, not my cup of tea. Thats probably why I am not good at writing down my own recipes, I don't wanna tell other ppl what to do. Make it yourself, experienment, cooking, after all is supposed to be FUN.
SO there is dinner tonight, pan roasted chicken in an orange her-bed sauce, with veggies and a side of wild rice.
there is no recipe, b.c I just made it up as I went along, It was delicious though :).

Death by Chocolate Brownies.

If I have to go, this would be the way to do it. YUM.
My brownies are not for the faint of heart. They are for the ppl that taste normal brownies or cakes and think "its nice but not sweet or chocolatley enough. I basically double the cocoa, add extra sugar ALWAYS, let me repeat that, ALWAYS FROST. Its not a brownie without the frosting.
So decadent so rich, sooooooooooo good. :)

Happy Family Day!

Yep another day of us just hanging out in the snow then grabbing some Timmies :).

Oh in the one pic that at first looks just like the ground covered in snow, I acutally spelled W's name in footprints if you look closely you can see it, lol.
Such a fun way to spend Family!