here goes it, this blogging thing is supposed to be therapeutic right?
My shoulder is done. I have no idea why, but I think its all quite possibly made worse by stress.
I can't breath sometimes I need to remember to smile activily remind myself to smile. I am failing here, in everyway that I can. I can't hold it together, I am happy, then sad, then happy, I want another baby so badly it hurts, then i think , having one has its pluses.
I called to set up on appt for councling, then thought, how weak am I , I need to get help b/.c I can't get pregnant, look at my daughter, how much luckier do I need to be.
I can't face my husband, because I know hes pain, pain that I caused , b/c i couldn't just wait the month or two until I met him to get pregnant. I know, I know I had no control over that, and out of that I got Waverly, so again, how blessed am I. And why can't I just be thankful for it.
Now there are rumbling about her benefiting from a more advanced form of schooling something like Montesorri but we can't afford, it b/c i insisted on staying home and now even if I went straight back to work, we have to buy a house and a car and a school like that, added onto all those others things, even with two jobs is out of reach. I wanna run and hide, go to my moms eat her and my grandma's cabbage rolls never to be seen again.
Dishes are in the sink, b/c I can't lift the heavy pot, b/c my shoulder is screwed. My head never stops going in circles with all the ways I am continuously getting it wrong. Wave is so smart, shes so beautiful but I keep looking at her thinking, of all the things she could have if I was better for her, if I had more for her, if I could give her a sister or brother, if I could be happier, smarter, more money, more opportunities, a family.
We moved her here away from everyone and now she gets random calls from her grandma, not the babysitting I enjoyed when I was little and my grandma lived up the street. She has no siblings, she has no relatives near, its just her and I did that.
I can't stop crying sometimes, its getting harder and harder to hold it together. I don't know how to express it anymore, and I can't pinpoint a source besides the fertility issues. I need to see another dr. but I can't , I keep avoiding appts, when I know I shouldn't, I just cant face going abck to dr and getting a final answer on the menopause issues, or the fertility issues (basically one in the same, I am sure you know). I know avoidance will get me no where, I know my life is good , I know I should be happy, I know its silly to sit here and cry, when so many are suffereing and I am SO lucky for all that I have, but this is not going away, no matter how many sarcastic jokes I make to make it seem as though I am OK. Stacy is fine, shes getting by, shes dealing, shes laughing at herself again, and enjoying her daughter, all of that is true, except I am not fine.
I'm not. I don't know when I will be, I don't know if I will be, I don't know what I can do, I don't know if counseling is like an easy button, or if I am just going to spend money and sit and cry while someone else watches.
I don't know. I know sitting on a website with all the new babies and pregnancy announcements makes me nothing but bitter and angry, which in turn makes me basically evil b/c i can't be happy for others right now.
Breath , remember to breath, now go call husband, grab beautiful daughter and get a hug.
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(((Hugs)) I am sorry you are going through so much! ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteStacy, I'm so sorry you feel like this. I know it cannot be easy going through all that you have gone through. You are a strong woman, and I know its hard but you should be proud of what you have accomplished. I hope councelling allows you to work through your thoughts and allows you to move forward on a positive note.
ReplyDeleteMaybe putting off the appointments for a few weeks (months?) would be a good idea. Allow yourself some time to seek councelling and then when you're in a better place, face the doctors etc.
If you need some time to yourself, or time with Patrick I would be more than willing to watch Waverly, she and Jacob would get along well I think. And you know I'm always willing to lend an ear if you need to talk.
*hugs* hon, hang in there.
I certainly hear you about the guilt of moving your child away from what she knows...or what you think she should have in life. It's taken me a long time to accept that maybe just because it's how I was raised, it isn't necessarily the only good way to be raised, y'know? And even then, I have moments I doubt it.
ReplyDeleteI also completely relate on the shoulder problem - and just wanted to mention that yes, stress can make it worse hun. I have screwed up shoulders...was MUCH worse before I had a dishwasher fwiw, as htat is one thing that is excruciating. It sucks because then too you start to feel inadequate - can't bend how you did, or lift how you did, and it affects so many aspects from just roughhousing with your kid to well, bedroom stuff! :(
I hope you do get counselling because there is nothing wrong with having someone to talk to, or with wanting something you don't have. It doesn't mean you're not happy with what you do have. It's hard to realise that how you see it and how it is, might not mesh.
And as for your little girl...
you do stuff with her every day. Walks and baking and haning out. You're not failing her. I can't say I understand all you're going through because i don't. We're only going on one year of ttc w/out any positives, for one thing, but also everyone's pain is different. I just wanted to say...I am sorry for all you're upset by, and I hope for better things to come your way soon.
*hugs* and physio, Allie.
I am sorry you are going through this too. :( I can only imagine how frustrating and difficult it is to go on a forum with so many babies and pregnancies. I find it difficult hearing about all the pregnancies and such too, to be honest, and we are not TTC, and will likely not have more children.
ReplyDeleteYou have given W a family, and an awesome one, from the sounds of it. I hope that one day you can give her a sibling, as I know that is your wish, but you have not done wrong by her at all if you don't.
As for the schooling, I think that most people with bright children can not afford private education. Being a SAHM gives your dd a lot of great opportunities that you may not have been able to give her as a working parent. I hope you can find another alternative in public education that gives her the challenges she needs.
Hugs.
I can't add much to everything that has already been said. I can't imagine how hard it is. Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if I hadn't had my second. I don't have the time to spend with my DD that I should have. There is rarely any girl time, all our activities have to be adjusted for the youngest and I feel like she is really missing out. Having an extra is that much more stress and my temper is that much closer to the surface. I'm not saying this to talk you out of another as you know I would wave a magic wand and make your dreams come true if I could. I'm wanting you to realize how lucky W is to have YOU! So don't ever think W is missing out, she has her mom and dad's undivided attention and I can't think of anything a little girl could want more! (((hugs)))
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